i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
