What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
