i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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