My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
