you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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