His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
