new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize