my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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