just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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