Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
