we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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