I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
