Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
