We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
