just come out here and I will go home with you...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
