I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
