The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
