Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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