Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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