I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
