wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
