as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
