Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
