sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
