Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize