Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
