By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
