I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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