did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize