I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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