My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
