I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
