i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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