You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
