She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
foreskin is a definite game changer
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
