he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
