i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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