i barfeds in our rink
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
