i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize