sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
