I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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