my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
