Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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