glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
