At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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