I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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