You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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