your parents love me but you hate me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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