am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
