What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Randomize
