Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
