one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
