Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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