sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
