plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
