Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
