She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
