Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
