I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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