Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
