he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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