Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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