I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
