I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
