you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
