he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
