I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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