the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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