i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
