I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
