I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
