I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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