3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
